Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Look Out! Marla's Pissed, She Hates Obama and She's Having an Eternal Bad Hair Day

Hi, I'm Marla, and I'm dead. How I died is really unimportant—don't eat pretzels alone, okay?--but I've been here for awhile. (I haunt in leggings and an off-the-shoulder sweatshirt. Nothing worse than dying after Flashdance came out.)

When one dies, one's appearance becomes static. If you die with chipped nail polish, your spectre retains the semblance of chipped nail polish when you are off a-haunting. If your hair is particularly unflattering, it's unflattering for all eternity. These are things one learns to live with, (no pun intended), when one is, well, dead. Hanging out with all of the other deadheads, (the real ones, not the stupid hippies), you tend to list the things you hate about being dead, (it's really boring over here, okay?) and in my experience, the appearance thing tops the grievance list with pretty much everyone.

Until now. Now we've got another thing to moan about—we're still voting in the land of the living. And we're voting for that frightful Obama! Some of the folks on this side of the veil are pretty distraught, and I'm one of them.

I was never that political in life, but I've been watching the goings-on from over here, (you all are like one big, violent and incredibly stupid soap opera—literally "One Life to Live"), and the fact that that Obama guy has gotten so far is damn near miraculous. (It is decidedly not, I have a certain advantage observing things from this particular vantage point. Oh the things I've seen!) If you mouth-breathers want to vote for him, it's your funeral, but I sure as hell don't want my name to be used in vain. Those losers from ACORN signed me up, along with Eddie and Amanda and Claude and Jean-Paul, not to mention Elvis (sorry guys, he's really here) and Che. (Che's got a special room downstairs, if you know what I mean.)

I'm tired of this ACORN b.s.--they've been pulling it for at least three election cycles and I've "voted" in two! They had me voting for that wooden Al Gore, (he's a robot sent from the future to sap all the joy from life—trust me, I know things), and John Kerry, (you don't even want to know). I'll be damned if I vote for Obama this time around. Somebody needs to help us.

I am not even kidding when I say that I will straight-up possess someone to end this madness and pull the lever for McCain. You just watch me. (You know what I mean.) It's not that I'm a Republican, it's just that I'd rather not be used like this. But between you and me, this country would be better off with McCain in office. Heck, you'd be better off with Hillary in office! I've been talking to some of the guys over here, and Aleksandr says to watch out when politician starts spouting off about "spreading the wealth around."

And I'm not going to be a party to it. You don't even know the meaning of the word "haunting" if my name gets used in all of this. If you ever want to see your car keys again, you best sort this out. Yesterday.


Eddie the Dead Voter said...

Wow, Marla, thanks for the insight into the woman's POV! Hey, speaking of Dead Heads, want to hear Garcia's least favorite joke? OK, here goes:

Q. What did the deadhead say when he ran out of marijuana at a concert?
A. Hey, this music really sucks!

Here's my favorite joke:

Q. What did the community organizer say after he/she died?
A. Hey, there really is no HOPE in hell!

BTW, I'm glad to hear about Che, I hope his thermostat is stuck on high!

Nancy Coppock said...

Marla and Eddie,

In regards to the living dead, you guys are au'currant. Marla, I'm sorry you are trapped in Flashdance costume, but at least you're comfy in cocoon clothing.

But, what I was wondering was that maybe ACORN's registering the dead idea might backfire. If ACORN is stupid enough to register Mickey and Minnie here in the land of mouth breathers, what if they likewise mess up in land of the Ungrateful Dead?

Eddie, can you find out if dudes like Patrick Henry, George Washington, Sam and John Adams and girl dudes like Molly Pitcher, Abigail Adams, and Harriet Tubman are listed on your voter rolls. It might be worth your while to find out. You did say you guys and dolls had plenty of time.

...and Daddy, just any sign will do...

Anonymous said...

You need to urn our vote

Don't take our vote for granite