Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Look Out! Marla's Pissed, She Hates Obama and She's Having an Eternal Bad Hair Day

Hi, I'm Marla, and I'm dead. How I died is really unimportant—don't eat pretzels alone, okay?--but I've been here for awhile. (I haunt in leggings and an off-the-shoulder sweatshirt. Nothing worse than dying after Flashdance came out.)

When one dies, one's appearance becomes static. If you die with chipped nail polish, your spectre retains the semblance of chipped nail polish when you are off a-haunting. If your hair is particularly unflattering, it's unflattering for all eternity. These are things one learns to live with, (no pun intended), when one is, well, dead. Hanging out with all of the other deadheads, (the real ones, not the stupid hippies), you tend to list the things you hate about being dead, (it's really boring over here, okay?) and in my experience, the appearance thing tops the grievance list with pretty much everyone.

Until now. Now we've got another thing to moan about—we're still voting in the land of the living. And we're voting for that frightful Obama! Some of the folks on this side of the veil are pretty distraught, and I'm one of them.

I was never that political in life, but I've been watching the goings-on from over here, (you all are like one big, violent and incredibly stupid soap opera—literally "One Life to Live"), and the fact that that Obama guy has gotten so far is damn near miraculous. (It is decidedly not, I have a certain advantage observing things from this particular vantage point. Oh the things I've seen!) If you mouth-breathers want to vote for him, it's your funeral, but I sure as hell don't want my name to be used in vain. Those losers from ACORN signed me up, along with Eddie and Amanda and Claude and Jean-Paul, not to mention Elvis (sorry guys, he's really here) and Che. (Che's got a special room downstairs, if you know what I mean.)

I'm tired of this ACORN b.s.--they've been pulling it for at least three election cycles and I've "voted" in two! They had me voting for that wooden Al Gore, (he's a robot sent from the future to sap all the joy from life—trust me, I know things), and John Kerry, (you don't even want to know). I'll be damned if I vote for Obama this time around. Somebody needs to help us.

I am not even kidding when I say that I will straight-up possess someone to end this madness and pull the lever for McCain. You just watch me. (You know what I mean.) It's not that I'm a Republican, it's just that I'd rather not be used like this. But between you and me, this country would be better off with McCain in office. Heck, you'd be better off with Hillary in office! I've been talking to some of the guys over here, and Aleksandr says to watch out when politician starts spouting off about "spreading the wealth around."

And I'm not going to be a party to it. You don't even know the meaning of the word "haunting" if my name gets used in all of this. If you ever want to see your car keys again, you best sort this out. Yesterday.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Slogan Contest-

So, Roddy Frankel had a good idea for a slogan- he said we should use “Over Our Dead Bodies” as our slogan. And I’m thinking, “Hey we’re a bunch of dead people we have all the time in the world- we can have as many slogans as we want-

I kind of like this one: “We’re Dead, But We’re Not Brain-Dead Enough to Vote for Obama!”

So before those welfare crooks and government grant thieves over at ACORN put our cold, dead hands on the lever in Ohio and all the other corrupt, Democrat-run states, lets have a Slogan Festival- Who can think of the best one? How about, “This election is not over yet- I can feel it in my bones!” or (this one really kills me!) "We May Be Voting for Him, But YOU are Going to Have to Live With Him"?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Eddie the Dead Voter

Uh, Hi..

My name is Eddie. I’m dead. I had thought that there might not even be anything left that I neded to pray for but something’s come up…

See, I just found out that somebody from a group named ACORN has signed me up to vote on November 4th. You know, where I am now, it shouldn’t make much of a difference to me who wins an election back in the “vale of tears” as we call it here but somehow this really kind of irks me and I’d like to at least have my say.

It’s outrageous- but what’s even worse is that the mainstream media are ignoring the whole thing too. It’s kind of like my wake. There I was, in the box, supposedly the center of attention, and all my old friends were talking about The Super Bowl and my wife and her Friends were talking about how cold it was and what to wear to the funeral. Yeah, I know wakes are for the living, and they had to find ways of carrying on… But I am really tired of having people say. “Oh, Eddie would have wanted it this way.”

This Obama guy is going to get my vote and I don’t even get a say. That’s not fair to the living but its even more unfair to the dead. That is why I have decided to start this Organization League of Dead Voters- our slogan is “We don’t want it this way!”

Not impressed? Wait till our first rally!